Stoners, Media Conglomerate Responsible for Boston Bomb Hoax

Mark today in your calendar: January 31, 2007 was the moment of epistemological rupture in which I could no longer tell the difference between "actual" news and "satirical" news.

That image on the CNN homepage looks like every photoshopped parody on SomethingAwful, so I guess it is only fitting to suggest:

BOSTON = PWNED

head nor for sedition among the Baal hanan and

SCENE 1. A bar. The not too distant future.

WOMAN: Do I know you?

LOGAN: Excuse me?

WOMAN: I was browsing when I spotted you. You seem pretty cool and cute!

LOGAN: Yeah, thanks. What's your name?

WOMAN: Chrysler Q. Dalmatian. You don't know me yet but I hope to change that in the very near future. [Smiles] I recently moved and I thought this would be a great way to meet new people. Outside of my work and my neighbor I don't know anyone around here. I've done a couple "tourist" type things but I haven't really been "out" yet and I'm hoping to change that. So tell me more about yourself? [Laughs] Sorry I have a tendency to ramble on sometimes.

LOGAN: Nothing to tell. I wake up and I come here to drink. End of story. Why don't you talk more about yourself?

WOMAN: I need someone to make life worth living... and not someone that just want to play with my heart and feelings... if you know you nice in heart make time lets get know each other please be sincere.

LOGAN: Are you drunk?

WOMAN: I am slut.

[Cut to Logan's holo-apartment]

WOMAN: [While disrobing] I have secret for you...

LOGAN: What is it?

WOMAN: AMORE TV INC NEW (ATVR.PK) TRIPLE your investments with this STOCK
Forecasts for you is only positive just BUY this STOCK!!!
This share’s profitability is very LOFTY you can see it on our site.
Come on. The ALARM is ON GRAB it. Good growth potential SHARE especially for YOU.
Your brokers HAVE TO BUY it NOW hurry!!!
SMU's Perkins School of Theology.

LOGAN: Another one. Just my luck.

WOMAN: Salute Man

I don't care why your ramrod is so small, but 88% of women do.
They are pretty sure that bigger sausage will make their desire
stronger. You have the chance to change your life.

It will help you for sure.
The remedy can be sent worldwide.
If you wont be satisfied - we will return all you money.
No bullshit.

Exeunt.

How I Boned Your Mother

Mark: your favorite TV show (and actress) be reppin' my alma mater.

It is good to see that Wesleyan has been upgraded from the college where you can purchase date rape drugs to seduce unwilling and untenured professors to a simple metonymy for "zany" liberal arts colleges (Look! It's the 90s and they are still fronting cassette decks and Super Nintendos! Crazy kids!).

Take note future writers of America!

Hunting

30 days after Christmas, you’d think that you could just walk into a store and buy one. (Of course, I thought you would be able to go into a store and buy one at launch, and thereafter as well.)

But no. As I’ve already explained, I've tried to get a Nintendo Wii and so far have had absolutely no luck whatsoever. For example, yesterday I called the Gamestop by my work at 10:30 AM and the guy tells me that the shipment hasn't come in yet so call back later. I call at 11:30 and he tells me that the shipment came in at 11:15, there were Wiis, but they had ALREADY sold out. Apparently, people came in to the store and waited around until the shipment arrived.

Then I read stories about parents waiting in front of Toys “R” Us before they open and almost instantaneously buying up the wee Wii inventory. I’ve gone to eBay and witnessed people paying a $120 premium just to get their hands on someone else’s Wii.

There’s always something so unusual about wanting to spend money but being unable. It makes you feel powerless and week. Especially since it isn’t like I'm going to go out and spend two or three times as much money to pick up and Xbox 360 or another POS Sony product.

It’s almost emasculating.

Jim and Dwight

If watching nothing but "Football and Football related TV shows" for a year can adversely effect your IQ ("scientists did this big test," guys, seriously), I would hypothesize that watching nothing but old episodes of The Office for two weeks can make you quantifiably funnier. I've been conducting a little experiment of my own and I'm prepared to release the initial results of my study. I haven't done any data crunching just yet, but below are some raw photos documenting evidence which ostensibly supports my hypothesis:

No Eres Suficientemente Indie

You have probably seen them before. You may have even been tempted to buy one or two.

Those enticing four-track iTunes live sessions.

Luckily for you I have already succumbed and I am here to help you separate the wheat from the chaff. So beat those swords to ploughshares and support your (and by that, I mean my) favorites artists! [I have no proof but it seems like they would get a meaty chunk of the download pie.]

The New Pornographers -

This was the first iTunes session I purchased and it turned me off to the whole idea for quite some time. The New Pornographers are a lot of fun live but this recording sounds terrible. The vocals are muddy and the instruments are mixed improperly. Good call on the Matador at 15 exclusive track Graceland, but no Neko Case, no credibility.

Grade: C

Interpol -

I have seen Interpol twice now and besides Carlos D's questionable decision to wear "Eastern European Military Garb" (you still look like a Nazi bro!), they are remarkably unexceptionable live. Likewise these tracks culled from the vastly underrated Antics are faithful to the originals to a fault -- even the track lengths are virtually identical (the whistling on the C'mere chorus is kind of cool though). Interpol are a great band, but like their b-sides and remixes, these live cuts are completely unessential.

Grade: B-

Yo La Tengo -

Yo La Tengo shift so easily between genres and styles that it's easy to forget how quiet and melancholy they can be (ie. And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out) when they are playing the blistering 11+Pass the Hatchet. Their back-catalog is so deep, I had no idea where half these tracks came from (the Arthur Lee cover sounds like La Bamba). This four track sampler is testament to Yo La Tengo as one of the most diverse and eclectic indie rock bands ever. (I have to dock them for the opening instrumental -- come on dudes, you only have four songs!)

Grade: B+

Goldfrapp -

Goldfrapp have a lot to make up for: not only did they not tour North America (I still can't believe they cancelled their Chicago show) but their supposed Bond theme for Casino Royale never materialized. I guess this absolutely perfect iTunes exclusive session can start the healing process. The sound quality is amazing -- the live version of Deer Stop is impossibly better then its studio counterpart. And the extended intros/outros to Ride A White Horse and Strict Machine only prove that Goldfrapp would have put on the best live show of 2006. But, whatever, I am not bitter or anything. Worth every penny.

Grade: A

Junior Boys -

Junior Boys are one of those few bands I have been with since the beginning, so it was with a heavy heart that I left So This Is Goodbye off my top 10 list. It has only been a few weeks and I am already regretting my decision. I was not completely sold on the album until I heard the stripped piano only version of When No One Cares off this live session. Suddenly everything snapped into perspective -- from the track titles to the hypnotic and pulsing synth lines. I still prefer the rhythmic trickiness of Last Exit, but I have come around to the spaciousness of their sophomore effort.

Oh, and speaking of Last Exit, this live cut of Under the Sun may give you a taste of the absolute frenzy Junior Boys caused when I saw them last September. I offer it up as my aural definition of the sublime.

Grade: A-
Under the Sun Grade: A+ x infinity

This Is Not a Simile for Football

This brought a smile to my face everytime I thought about it today!

It deserves to be repeated:

Damn the Patriots! Damn everyone that won't damn the Patriots! Damn every one that won't put lights in his window and sit up all night damning the Patriots!

Nevar forget!

City punch, aka. Liquid Diabetes

2006, In Review: Games

The last, and perhaps not least important, of my year end reviews.

Unlike Mark, I have had the opportunity to play the recent additions to the console gaming world's two juggernaut franchises. How did they fare against fiery upstarts like Brain Age, a game I could and probably will play until the end of my days? Not well.




Final Fantasy XII

Final Fantasy XII is, in a word, punishing.

To speak of the game is to lament the terrible rise of MMORPGs and their poisoning of single player gaming mechanics. Treasure chests and item drops are randomized discouraging exploration and promoting the irritating monster farming and dungeon backtracking that has become a staple of protracting online play.

The clearest proof that SquareEnix must truly hate its fans: one of the best weapons, The Zodiac Spear, is accessible only if you manage to avoid opening four arbitrarily selected chests throughout the course of the game. At no time are you informed of this nasty ordeal of plundering abstinence, so SE is in effect punishing gamers who attempt to defeat the game without outside assistance. Other quests are equally mind-numbing: I have heard the final Mob Hunt Yiazmat takes hours to kill. I imagine in online play these trials of endurance are vaguely worthwhile in that they net you some manner of cyber prestige, but in the insular world of Invalice they seem fruitless.

Despite its immense size (it would take a pilgrimage of well over an hour to hike across), Invalice itself comes across as insipid and lifeless. The main city of Rabanastre certainly has a substantial population, but the NPCs either stand around or amble around aimlessly. For a bustling city there seems to be no semblance of purpose or intention. Illusion of Gaia had more convincing communities.

The natural environments themselves show a distinct lack of imagination or basic ecology. One of the first encounters in the Dalmasaca Estersand is a gigantic Tyrannosaurus, which is equally cool and terrifying -- but completely illogical. If you are going to show a Tyrannosaurus attacking other monsters, which is a great idea because it demonstrates a food chain (ie. the world exists beyond the solipsism of your main characters), please have it be reasonable prey. A Tyrannosaurus cannot survive on wolf pet alone. Now, this may be too nit-picky for a game that asks you to use license points to wear a hat, but beyond the artificiality of gaming mechanics, the actual world itself should show some verisimilitude or basic interior logic.

Perhaps all this would all be forgivable if the story was anywhere close to engaging, but unfortunately it is typical Final Fantasy fare: a somewhat morally dubious character gains access to unparalleled power and is corrupted. Yawn. Our heroes, on the whole, are equally bland - with the notable exception of Fran and Balthier, the latter acting as veritable Falstaff.

Final Fantasy XII, in summary, grafts the crushing hourly demands of online play onto a solitary world propelled only by a lackluster plot. Certainly an awkward step for the series.




The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Contrary to what you may have heard, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess looks stunning. The chronology of the Zelda series is based on the eternal return and the art department has done a phenomenal job of recasting the tropes of Zelda mythology in unique, yet familiar ways. The new digital/vector Dark World has taken a concept created to solve storage limitation on the Super Nintendo and spun it into a compelling plot device (which is also sure to satisfy furry fans [Ben, et. all] worldwide).

It is a pity the controls do the game no justice.

In the beginning I actually tried using the Wii controller to, you know, aim and such. This led to many a frustrating death. The game difficulty is not fine-tuned to allow the finesse of locating an enemy's weak spot (which is often quite a small target on bosses) and then executing the necessary action manually. My life became substantially easier when I gave up aiming myself and started using Z-targeting -- which begs the question, why the innovative controller if we are going to be using GameCube handicaps? Even using the controller as a sword, while marginally exciting on the geekometer, is a major disappointment as there is no clear correlation between actual and virtual swings.

Twilight Princess is a beautiful game the should have been the GameCube's last hurrah.

American Idol Auditions as Wunderkammer

Seriously, I felt like I had fallen into some sort of Renaissance time warp as Fox paraded these monstruos in front of me as some sort of mock spectacle. At least the dwarves of the Spanish court had Velázquez to paint them with quiet dignity; the natives of Seattle had to endure the all too ironic condescension of that ninny court jester Ryan Seacrest [looking more aberrant by the season] and the eugenic stares of el rey Simon Cowell.

I guess the moral lesson behind American Idol is that we all suffer from some gross case of synesthesia.

2006, In Review: Movies

This list is a bit more tenuous than the others as movies have that nasty tendency of delayed release in these weeks prior to the Oscars.

Could Letters from Iwo Jima be the best film of 2006? I don't know and I don't care. Million Dollar Baby and Mystic River are the benchmarks for the worst - and I mean worst - movies of the decade. Until Eastwood discovers the second sex, I am opting out.

There are others I missed (Half Nelson, Inland Empire, Last King of Scotland) that might have made the cut. I will update this list before the Oscars in the off chance that another movie jostles the hierarchy; I am sure you all will be waiting with baited breath.



10) Marie Antoinette

It's movies like this that remind me of a) why I love cinema and b) why Roger Ebert is the best (albeit most peculiar) working film critic. To all the others who scoff at the historical flattening and dismiss the work as merely a confection (or some other condescending saccharine metaphor), Ebert retorts, "Every criticism I have read of this film would alter its fragile magic and reduce its romantic and tragic poignancy to the level of an instructional film." Amen.



9) The Queen

A subtle and intimate tale on the lumbering anachronism (and attending Madonna complex) that is the English monarchy. Normally, I frown upon Oscar nominations for mimicry, but Helen Mirren's turn as Queen Elizabeth II is marvelous, as is Michael Sheen's as the once popular Tony Blair (remember those naive times?).



8) The Prestige

As far as I am concerned Christopher Nolan can do no wrong. Meticulously constructed and flawlessly executed. And did I mention David Bowie as Nikola Tesla?



7) Borat

Is there a full-on Borat backlash yet? I haven't seen the movie a second time, so I don't know if the revelations of the exploitative nature of certain situations, as well as the shear fabrications of others, sours the film, but the first viewing was as hilarious as it was horrifying.



6) United 93

I waited until the end of the year to finally see United 93. I was not opposed to the subject matter, but I certainly wasn't anticipating sitting down and watching it. The film is surprising, not just in its quality, but also in its scope and tone. Only a British director could have crafted such a taught and intensely emotional portrait without conflating the personal with the political. More thought provoking is the film's ultimate ambivalence on religion.



5) Casino Royale

This would be the best Bond movie for the action set-pieces alone (the poker is, admittedly, a bit ludicrous), not to mention Daniel Craig who brings a much needed sense of danger and menace back to the role. Yet, it was the decision to frame the plot around a character arc as opposed to the machinations of a maniacal villain which makes the film such a winning combination.



4) Pan's Labyrinth

Enchanting. Haunting. Heartbreaking. I could keep reeling off the adjectives, but I will simply say that it was one of two movies to bring me to tears this year (the other being X-men III). A fairy-tale of the first order, with a simple, but powerful moral: imagination is resistance.



3) Brick

This film is so unbelievably cool.

Brendan: "Throw one at me if you want, hash head. I've got all five senses and I slept last night, that puts me six up on the lot of you."



2) The Departed

The screenplay of the year. And I love that Marky Mark is being critically recognized for his role as Dignam. I am keeping my fingers crossed for a supporting Oscar nod.



1) Children of Men

Phenomenal. Simply phenomenal.

The narrative economy in this film is staggering. There is no exposition, no needless plotting. A history of the future is never explicitly stated, but obliquely pieced together through the environmental clues that decorate each frame. It is a deeply imagined and fully realized dystopian world captured breathlessly by Alfonso Cuarón's (and his cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki's) unblinking camera. The harrowing action sequences, filmed with documentary-like verisimilitude in single takes, are technical marvels of choreography that never draw attention to themselves but fit seemlessly into the story.

I could talk about this film for hours, from the Pink Floyd allusions at the Battersea Power Station to Cuarón's lingering obsession with Clive Owen's feet, but I don't want to spoil a single moment for those of you who haven't seen it.

Well... He Was A Skater Boy

I have yet to really play any of the biggest games of the year. Getting married, moving, working full time and so much else sidelined a lot of my pop culture hobbies. Plus I just don’t spend much money on games anymore. Except, of course, for the Nintendo DS.


NEW Super Mario Bros.

It isn’t perfect, but I’m happy. It is the only 2-D Mario game in about a decade. As much as I love Super Mario 64, there’s always something special about playing Mario the way Mario is (perhaps) meant to be played. A definite classic and one of the few games in a number of years that I’ve wanted to not only beat, but complete.


Elite Beat Agents

It is just a rhythm game. And you do have to suffer through some major crap songs (cough... Avril Lavigne... cough). But it’s fun and funny. The comic book-esque story and the overall over-the-top characters are just that good.


Tetris DS

Online Tetris that doesn’t suck. Finally. While I’m not fan of the infinite spin (and, thereby, infinite gameplay) this is a solid Tetris game overall. And it incorporates all the enhancements of the last classic Tetris game, Tetris 64. While most of the new modes are nothing to speak of (Push perhaps being the exception), Tetris DS does use the second screen to show classic NES games that actually animated based on how well you play. Totally unnecessary –– but cool.



Wii Sports (and the Nintendo Wii)

Basic graphics. Basic gameplay. Basically just fun. I have already seen people of all ages enjoy this game. From my 5 year old niece who is somehow better at Bowling that all of the rest of us. To my parents, who were enticed to try the Wii for themselves. I suppose playing really is believing.

Oh yes. And Rachel wanted me to mention that she likes it.


Not on the list (and why)


Brain Age

I’ve traded the game to Logan already. The “game” is exactly what it says it is. And that is to say it’s not a “game.” I like games with objectives mostly.


The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

I still don’t have a Wii, and I see no reason to play the game on a Gamecube. Soon enough.


Gears of War

I don’t have an Xbox 360 either. Don’t know that I will anytime soon either. But I’ve played a few minutes of Gears and it was pretty damn cool.


Bully

I’ve heard that this is a great game that actually adds something to the GTA mold. But it’s on the PS2.


Okami

Supposedly an absolutely brilliant Zelda-esque platformer with beautiful art direction. Again, a PS2 title. But one that may eventually end up on the Wii (fingers crossed).

"Everywhere around the world..."

David Beckham is officially joining the Los Angeles Galaxy after his Real Madrid contract expires on June 30th.

Details here.

I don't really have anything to say about this. Except that $250 million over five years for a 32 year old player seems to be a little expensive.

2007, In Review: TV or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the war

President Bush committed over 20,000 additional troops to Iraq tonight, saying they will really do the trick. He made mistakes, Bush said, conceding that we sent too few troops and resources to control the violence in 2006. But this year will be different.

It's a terrible thing. Bush made it so bad in Iraq that we're sending more troops to kill and be killed in order to restore some kind of order. My mind fills with images of bullets puncturing flesh, bombs leveling buildings, and bodies being dragged away by weeping family members, the blood of the dead leaving a brushed red trail on the pummeled ground. Why send more to die and kill if we're just going to leave in a year or two anyway? Will 20,000 more troops make it that much better? I doubt it. Maybe 250,000 could do it. But only maybe. And what does it mean to do it, to win in Iraq? Sounds like it means killing all the insurgents. That's everyone willing to stand up against American policy in their country. Who knows how many deaths that would/could/will be.

I'm about as liberal as they come, and at the end of the brief telecast on NBC, I felt sad and confused. I don't know what should be done. I don't know what to do.

Then, quite suddenly, I heard the voice of Howie Mandel.

"Deal, or no deal?," he asked, and poof. My mind was at ease. Iraq went away, tucked in some distant corner of my brain next to Disney's Aladdin.

Thank god for the comfort of network television.

How Logan Became Dust In The Tub

Rachel asked me what I did that day.

I told her about driving to work. Some of the projects I’d worked on. Lunch. Coming home to an empty apartment. Getting ready for meeting.

I also killed a monster in the shower, I said. I had to strangle it with my belt.

Really, she said. What kind of monster was it?

It was the kind of monster that you kill, and then it transforms into a close friend or family member. So you feel bad, even though you didn’t have any choice.

Who was it?

Umm... it was Logan.

Does that mean that Logan is dead in our shower?

Oh, no. He turned into dust like one of the vampires on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

She asked me if we’d have to clean up the dust and I said probably not. The shower would rinse it away when I turned it on in the morning.

So that’s why Logan is (or at least was) dust in the tub.

But the truth is I made the whole thing up.

"I’m gonna come after you like a spider monkey.”

Talladega Nights

Logan probably hates this movie because apparently he killed his adolescent sense of humor dead. In the conservatory. With the candlestick. For those of us with well developed and cosmopolitan senses of humor, however, Ricky Bobby’s rise, fall, and rise again is the stuff of legends.

Stranger Than Fiction

The “other” Will Ferrell movie. Which is to say features Will Ferrell but, strangely, Will Ferrell is not playing “Will Ferrell.” I absolutely hate movies and books about writers who are writing a movie or book. Stranger Than Fiction is kind of like that, except it’s great and I love it.

The difference is that this movie competently shows the actual struggle of writing in an interesting, non-cliché manner. It seamlessly satirizes AND illustrates the types of subtle characterization in good writing, and the meaning and importance of audience expectation. The entire case is impressive and the ending is both satisfying and –– dare I say it –– happy.

The Devil Wears Prada

I know this is going to titillate, but this was easily my favorite movie of 2006. Sure, it’s the same cliché story about a “good” person who gets wrapped up in some shallow or “bad” thing, only to realize it and stop themselves from completely changing. The amazing performances by Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep and the wit of the script separate this movie from its genre siblings. Plus it features Vincent Chase, so it has that cool Entourage connection.

“So your period is pretty bad, huh?"

The Office

Like Logan said, BEST SHOW ON TV. Period. I’ve written at length about The Office, so I don’t see a need to say much more right now... okay. Actually, I have a lot to say about that last episode. The whole Jan and Michael thing. But that episode (and the show) deserves it’s own post.

Heroes

“How do you stop an exploding man?”

I was a skeptic of the show before it started, but was instantly converted. Everything that Lost does well, Heroes does better. (And everything that Lost does poorly, Heroes does well.)

The ratios are much better too. I only dislike one character in the large ensemble cast: Niki. And I’m also bullish that the show will stay compelling.

Criminal Minds

I wouldn’t say I like this show. And I even feel mildly embarrassed admitting that I watch it (with some regularity). It’s somewhat cheesy. Cliché. Poorly written. Full of stock characters. And highly addictive.

If you haven’t watched: the show follows a crack team of Profilers as they embark on “Movie of the Week” style adventures to stop serial killers... rapists... rescue kidnapped children... you name it. All in stories that are vaguely similar to popular news, books and movies. And you can’t help but wonder why the Government is funding this clearly ultra-expensive team. But wait, you’re thinking about the show. That’s a problem. You should probably not do that.

Also, this is what’s on opposite Lost. This is what I watch instead of Lost.

Beauty and the Geek

I only recently learned that Ashton Kutcher is actually the Executive Producer on this show. Who’d of thought. It’s as socially relevant as anything can be on MTV. That is to say it somewhat blurs the easy lines of MTV’s demographic groups. I like how the show humanizes all of these people by showing that, ultimately, no matter what you’re good at, being good at one thing can make you less confident in so many other things.

Objects of Lust: iPhone

11.6 millimeters, 3.5-inch wide touchscreen display, multi-touch support, proximity sensors, 2 megapixel cam, 8 GB of storage, and runs Mac OSX.

CRAZY TIMES.

Update: 10:16 am best web browser on the phone - uses safari

PWNED!

Yellow matter custard

My favorite new band discovery. Rogue Wave. A Sub Pop band I found because a few of their songs playing during Heroes (a.k.a. the best show on TV) episodes. They have a similar sound to many of the other Sub Pop bands I listen to. Slightly dreamy and intellectual, with a generally modest effusiveness (if there is such a thing).

I feel extremely happy having found both albums, which enjoyed a rare 30 consecutive days in my stereo. I highly recommend them to everyone.

My favorite albums from 2006, in no ranked order, are as follows:

Gnarls Barkley
“St. Elsewhere”

Somewhere between the “Crazy” back beats, the geek heavy lyrics and the overall smooth dreary style is one of the better albums I’ve heard in a long time. This album comes closest to the whimsy of Danger Mouse’s “The Grey Album.” (Something mostly lacking from the last Gorillaz album.)

I just hope Danger Mouse makes another Gnarls Barkley album

Jenny Lewis and The Watson Twins
“Rabbit Fur Coat”

A little Loretta Lynn, a little Indie Rock. Almost uncannily mixing a soft country or gospel style with Jenny Lewis’ trademark ironic sarcasm, there’s just something so interesting about a spiritual album about most likely not believing in God.

I love almost every song on this album.

The Beatles
“Love”

It isn’t really even their concept. And the actual band members, not surprisingly, were not directly involved.

Yet it’s amazing. Lush. Surprising. Fun. Reflective. And everything you’d expect from The Beatles. Except, if you’re a big fan, nothing is exactly “new.” Thing is, that’s part of the brilliance of “Love.” At it’s core, a remix album by George and Giles Martin. But there’s something mildly challenging about its construction. My complaint is that it doesn’t push the boundaries enough. I want more.

2006, In Review: Sports

زين الدين زيدان‎ and coup de boule.

The moment that launched a thousand internet memes.

But also won my vote for Zidane as human being of the century.