An archaeological prologue: Part 1

Journal entry: 8/22/07
What the hell was that?! The night before last I met this friend of [T] and [A] named [M]. She goes to school in Chicago. First thought was that she's super pretty and has nice eyes. The next night I go to meet all of them at the bowling alley and we hit it off. Yada yada yada, I just took her out on a date and we hung out until 1AM. We sat next to each other when everyone else had gone to bed. Like, touching. But we just talked. Nothing happened. She's rad to the max: funny, smart, going places, good family... We have tons in common and we totally hit it off. But nothing happened. I'm confused. We connected like crazy but it didn't feel like a fling. Didn't feel spinny. Didn't feel hot. But it did feel like something. Weird.

Journal entry: 10/25/07
Today is Wednesday, one week after I left Portland for Chicago. I didn't really know what was going to happen but I had high hopes. I really didn't know what kind of hopes exactly but I knew [M] and I had tons in common and would at least hit it off like we did in Portland. We did. I knew right away that something was going to happen and she told me later that she did too. We first kissed in the photo booth at the bar where [A] had her birthday party. We spent the rest of the time together. We were totally honest about everything, which was incredibly nice. The whole thing was a total blast. I don't know what to do now. I like her. I would talk to her all day if I could. I can absolutely see us together but the distance is too much. Neither of us want to be tied down. We've only known each other in person for all of 6 days. Be patient. See what happens. We'll be together for New Year's. If it's meant to be it'll be. Deep breaths. Take your time. Don't panic. Don't jump the gun. Let it happen. Miss her. Talk to her. Enjoy this as much as you can. The rest will take care of itself.

Journal entry: 3/2/08
My head has felt cloudy lately. Don't know why. I hope it goes away. Back from Chicago now. I went there thinking I was 100% psyched about [M]. Now I don't know what I think. I know we aren't going to work out long term. She's great but not quite right.

Chat with T: 9/19/08
t: hope work is going ok and that you're getting through the muddle.
me: thanks
i take it you guys heard the news then?
t: um, that your work is crazy?
me: oh
no
t: uh-oh.
me: the other muddle
t: um, not really.
me: there is also other muddle
unfortunately
t: hm. i did hear that you might not be coming this fall.
is that what you're referring to?
me: last night we actually decided to break up
t: i was really hoping you weren't going to say that.
me: yeah.
t: how are you?
me: i mean
i've been better
but i'm okay
mostly just sad
t: yeah, that's understandable.
i'm really sorry.
me: me too
t: is it really over? vs "taking some time"?
me: it's over but we both really care about each other
t: well you're both pretty awesome.
me: word
t: sorry i can't take you out to lunch.
me: thanks dude
me too
for reals
but i'll def talk to you soon

Chat with mom: 9/20/08
mom: how's my boy?
me: okay
it gets worse at night
i don't know why
mom: probably cause you're alone and night is when you talked?
me: we talked all day
mom: ah
everything's harder at night
and in the middle of the night, it's the worst
me: blugh
mom: poor benny
have you told anyone?
me: just [T]
mom: k
i feel so bad for you. you're so brave. you'll feel better in a while. that'll be good
me: agreed
it'll happen faster than i think
mom: that's good. you know, it's better to open up to relationships and suffer their loss than not open up at all, at least i think that's true...
me: i think so too
mom: and you're going to meet lots of good people in the future, esp. if you start hanging out in nyc!!
i'd take the pain away in a second if i could. hang in there. i'll look for you tomorrow - safe travels.
me: thanks momzer
i'll catch you later
mom: get REST
even if drugs are required