Calling all men
Dudes, I need some help. Something terrible happened, and I can't find the exit strategy in any of the Worst Case Scenarios books OR on my all purpose goto fix it website.
A group of individuals from the dominant sex invited me to "poker night." I've heard of this custom and seen it depicted on television and in movies. I even recall a story about Logan's friend making a living playing this game on the internet.
This is a big deal. Somehow these fellas or blokes or chaps or whatever they call themselves think I'm one of them. This is my one shot at masculinity -- I must seize it!
So here's the problem: I don't know how to play. Apparently it's not the poker of my youth, which involved me, Moey and two dolls. This is real man poker. Acording to wikipedia, it's called Texas hold 'em.
Here's what I know: The winner get's a pretty bracelet. Here's what I don't know: Everything else. So I'm giving all of you a job based on your skill sets. Please don't let me down...
Brad, you surely know how to relate to "hombres." Has this Hold Them game ever surfaced in your ragamuffin adventures? Fill me in on how the game is played, would you? I understand the basic premise -- I get two cards and there are four community cards -- but there are some intricacies that puzzle me. On the wikipedia page, it gives the example of Carol, who has an ace-high flush: A-K-9-8-7. How can she have a flush without the Q and J?
Logan, I need help with betting. I read the betting structures entry on the wiki page, but it went over my head. Can you dumb it down for me/just give me the essentials? My Jewish instinct should make this one manageable once I grasp the concept.
Ben, help me with strategy. And controlling my emotions. As you know, I'm not much of a poker-faced kid. I wear my heart on my everything, and everyone knows it. If I get a good hand I will smile and swoon like a little girl. If I have lousy cards I will groan and flail like a cranky third grader. Perhaps worse, I will feel bad if I beat my friends. How do I win without making them lose? Or how can I make them lose without knowing I won? No, that won't work.... How about this: How do I play well enough but not bad enough to convince these menfolk that I'm legitimate/not a virgin/not a homosexual/capable of manly greatness?
Ian, if you're reading this, I need help with the lingo and conversation. Brad and Logan can probably help with this too. Here's the central question: How do I talk like a man? Does it involve Brad-style Paige jokes? Or Logan-style sex jokes which often involve rendering women unconscious? Should I talk about having sex? Or playing sports? I played football at the park with my nine year old cousin yesterday. Or fixing things? I could tell them about the time I fixed grandma's chi machine...
Okay boys. I think if we all pitch in, I can do this. To quote Mrs. Hillary Clinton: "It takes a village to raise a child."
Love and kisses,
Sam
PS-- Everyone forward a copy of their answers to Joey Schoenhals. He'll need this advise someday, too.
A group of individuals from the dominant sex invited me to "poker night." I've heard of this custom and seen it depicted on television and in movies. I even recall a story about Logan's friend making a living playing this game on the internet.
This is a big deal. Somehow these fellas or blokes or chaps or whatever they call themselves think I'm one of them. This is my one shot at masculinity -- I must seize it!
So here's the problem: I don't know how to play. Apparently it's not the poker of my youth, which involved me, Moey and two dolls. This is real man poker. Acording to wikipedia, it's called Texas hold 'em.
Here's what I know: The winner get's a pretty bracelet. Here's what I don't know: Everything else. So I'm giving all of you a job based on your skill sets. Please don't let me down...
Brad, you surely know how to relate to "hombres." Has this Hold Them game ever surfaced in your ragamuffin adventures? Fill me in on how the game is played, would you? I understand the basic premise -- I get two cards and there are four community cards -- but there are some intricacies that puzzle me. On the wikipedia page, it gives the example of Carol, who has an ace-high flush: A-K-9-8-7. How can she have a flush without the Q and J?
Logan, I need help with betting. I read the betting structures entry on the wiki page, but it went over my head. Can you dumb it down for me/just give me the essentials? My Jewish instinct should make this one manageable once I grasp the concept.
Ben, help me with strategy. And controlling my emotions. As you know, I'm not much of a poker-faced kid. I wear my heart on my everything, and everyone knows it. If I get a good hand I will smile and swoon like a little girl. If I have lousy cards I will groan and flail like a cranky third grader. Perhaps worse, I will feel bad if I beat my friends. How do I win without making them lose? Or how can I make them lose without knowing I won? No, that won't work.... How about this: How do I play well enough but not bad enough to convince these menfolk that I'm legitimate/not a virgin/not a homosexual/capable of manly greatness?
Ian, if you're reading this, I need help with the lingo and conversation. Brad and Logan can probably help with this too. Here's the central question: How do I talk like a man? Does it involve Brad-style Paige jokes? Or Logan-style sex jokes which often involve rendering women unconscious? Should I talk about having sex? Or playing sports? I played football at the park with my nine year old cousin yesterday. Or fixing things? I could tell them about the time I fixed grandma's chi machine...
Okay boys. I think if we all pitch in, I can do this. To quote Mrs. Hillary Clinton: "It takes a village to raise a child."
Love and kisses,
Sam
PS-- Everyone forward a copy of their answers to Joey Schoenhals. He'll need this advise someday, too.
posted by S Goldsmith at 2/04/2007 12:23:00 PM
10 Comments:
Almost forgot:
Mark, you might have some ideas for me, too. I won't disregard what you say (but I will run it by Brad first).
I am off to manly Super Bowl festivities, but I can offer some quick advice before I leave:
When betting, start with your socks first! Often you can get away with each sock counting as an article of clothing. Don't follow those fools who take off their pants first -- that is not a good strategy. Also, try to wear as many accessories as you can (friendship bracelets, nba headbands, condoms), this will buy you some valuable time as you learn to identify your opponents' tells (ie. if they pinch their nipples when they have a good hand).
Jeez... Sounds harder than I thought. Maybe I can convince them to play strip or dare instead.
DARE!!
be careful though, they might just be pinching their nipples to make you THINK they have a good hand.
really, there are only three words you need to know to make it in the masculine world sam, "moist smokeless tobaccos."
p.s. as usual it's hard to tell if anything posted is less than 100 percent sarcasm, but just in case. . . a flush is five cards of the same suit could be any number, like 2,6,J,45,A of spades. a straight flush is same suit, in a row, like 8,9,10,11,12 of spades the straight flush is the best hand in poker, but the chances of getting one are about the same as the chances of logan getting laid in Salt Lake City.
but there's no 45, 11, or 12 in the deck! if brad can't help me, no one can.
Brad probably thought you were playing Uno.
If I am going to help you with the betting structure, I need to know if you are playing limit (restricted betting) or no limit texas hold em.
What sort of stakes are you playing? Are we talking nickels and dimes or the Goldsmith inheritance?
If you are going to be serious about this game, I would highly suggest that you invest in some X-ray goggles.
to quote my man-friend:
"I'm thinking we'll play a cash game (a tourney probably wouldn't work, as I know a couple of you have class and will arrive later). I'm thinking a $10 buy-in with $10 rebuys available anytime you go broke."
should I ask if we're playing limit or no limit? that might make me look manly. or nerdy.
I'm way more manly than Brad. You should see his home decorating skills... they're unmatched.
damn straight
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