A distorted reality is now a necessity to be free...

I had to fight both times I saw Elliott Smith in concert.

The first time was the Field Day concert in New York.

It was raining that day. Bad enough that my cousins wanted to waste our $90 tickets. (I wasn’t happy about that... I had paid for two of the three tickets.)

I had to fight to make I was there. (I had already missed two bands I was dying to see... I wasn’t willing to do that with Elliott Smith.)

The second time was at the University of Utah. It was a free concert... and the last concert Elliott Smith ever played.

I had to fight twice. Once when David and Brandon agreed to go, and then reneged at the last second. The second when the “adults” in my family refused to let me go alone. (Even though it was a concert at the school I went to alone every day.)

It was striking how much power he had on stage. He was so clearly saturnine. (A word I never thought I would use... but that feels so unnaturally appropriate.) Even the second time I saw him perform, when he seemed to be happier, there was an underlying sadness in his performance, his posture and his laugh. It was like something you could feel in the air.

I still remember when I heard that Elliott Smith had died. It was one of those odd moments. Not surprising, but shocking. Not unexpected, but disappointing. I didn’t even feel like talking to anyone about it. (A first for me. I’m willing to spread news, good or bad.)

I didn’t mention it to anyone for days. It was the first time I felt sad about a celebrity dying. That may sound callous, but I have never been able to see celebrities as real, human people. In this day and age, celebrities have unfortunately become commodified to a point where they seem more like brands than people.

It wasn’t like that with Elliott Smith. His presence felt so real. And his absence does too.

“what I used to be will pass away and then you’ll see
that all I want now is happiness for you and me”