Gee, I've been saved by Fox. How swell.

Star Fox 64 3D
In a strange twist of fate, Star Fox 64 is probably better suited for the Nintendo 3DS than it was for the Nintendo 64: clocking in at barely an hour, it is a bite-size of a game, easily digested in the handheld format. I might even label it the "definitive version" despite two minor missteps: Nintendo sacrilegiously re-recorded Falco's vocals ("I guess I should be thankful.") and awkwardly forces you to use the stylus to receive Rob64's bonuses. And if Nintendo went through all the trouble of recalibrating the difficulty for the Nintendo 3DS, would it have been that much of a bother to create a Hard mode as well? Despite being 14 years removed from the peak of my gaming prowess, I ran through each difficulty path without coming close to dying. But perhaps ultimately that is the charm of Star Fox 64: it is a breeze to pick up and play, and lacks any of the unnecessary gameplay clutter that eventually diluted the fun factor of the franchise.

Grade: A-

The House of the Morning

Europe has always been a punching-bag for the right: a straw man to help put the superiority of American values in high-relief (or alto-relievo for my fellow rocket salad eating snobs). As a cultivated man of letters (no seriously, it says that on my degree), I have always taken a certain amount of umbrage with these criticisms. It is hard not to look across the Atlantic at that socialist paradise of moral depravity and not sigh wistfully.

But nothing brings out my dormant American jingoism quite like the issue of pay toilets (with the World Cup coming in at a distant second). After all, what more basic human dignity can you afford a visitor than the right to use the facilities in a dire time of need?

When I studied abroad in Spain in 2002, fast food restaurants were veritable American embassies for their lax requirements to use the lavatory. If we wanted to create a Marshall plan for the 21st century, I think we could singlehanded rescue the Euro (and if we are being modest, Western Civilization as well) by installing Halliburton porta-potties up and down the Seine.

At one point in my latest trip to Europe (there have been so many, it is sometimes hard to keep track), a boulangerie (a bakery for you philistines) owner balked when one of my fellow travelers asked to use the privy. Apparently soliciting her fine establishment and ordering quatre sandwich did not meet the threshold to be worthy enough to use the garderobe (restroom… will you please try to keep up for once).

Most curiously, the only free toilet I discovered in my travels was near the bus station in Angers. To call it a toilet is a bit of stretch as it was quite literally just a freestanding urinal affixed to the side of a building without any enclosures. As I was relieving myself in this most precious of necessariums, pedestrians ambled on right behind me and buses picked up their passengers with a full on view of my backside.

For a continent that prides itself on humans rights and privacy, Europe is rather incontinent in its handling of both in regards to the reredorter (seriously just Google it).

Qwikster Two Cents: 11 Hour Transatlantic Flight Edition

The Rum Diary (2011)

Verdict: I guess I am alone in finding The Rum Diary entirely watchable, if somewhat anticlimactically structured. Maybe the thin atmosphere and free drinks clouded my judgement?






In Time (2011)

Verdict: Fascinatingly bad. Like MST3000 good/bad. Nothing about the premise holds water and every line is smothered in heavy italics. Too afraid to even delve into the disturbing psychosexual consequences of its central conceit.






Tower Heist (2011)

Verdict: Just bad/bad. Like wiping out the assets of a charitable foundation set up by Holocaust survivor and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Elie Wiesel through a Ponzi scheme bad.

2011: Exit Words (For A Few Films)

To wrap up Movie Week at hideouslywrinkled (or has it just begun?), I humbly offer to you my annual awards to the 10 films that I may or may not have liked this year.

A Few Honorable Mentions

The King Of Carrot Flowers Part 2 & 3 Award for Hipster Christianity AND The Steven Spielberg Award for Not Knowing How to End A Movie goes to...

The Tree of Life

The Vin Diesel fights The Rock Award for the movie with the best fight scene between Vin Diesel and The Rock goes to…

Fast Five

The "I should have seen this instead of In A Better World at last year's Portland International Film Festival" Award goes to…

Incendies

Top 10 Movies

The (now) annual "The Parts Are Greater Than The Sum" Matthew Vaughn Award goes to...

Attack the Block

The Judd MiLOLtary IndustriLOL Complex Award goes to…

Bridesmaids

The (quite surprisingly) least Freudian movie in the Cronenberg oeuvre Award goes to...

A Dangerous Method

The Aaron Sorkin's Continuing Quest To Find The Least Likely Blockbuster Protagonist Award AND The newly minted Brad trolling Award goes to...

Moneyball

The (now potentially annual) Award for the Best Foreign Film (that you can tell is a foreign film because the protagonist is Muslim) goes to…

A Separation

The Mark is going to hate this movie because it totally rips off The Smashing Pumpkins video "Tonight, Tonight" Award goes to...

Hugo

The Warner Herzog Award for the most profound and deeply moving documentary of the year, which also had two descent selections from the big man himself goes to…

Nostalgia for the Light

The I told you the director of the film with the One-Eyed Clairvoyant Viking was somebody special but you refused to believe me until he made a movie featuring Ryan Gosling Award goes to...

Drive

The Kirsten Dunst haters to the back Award goes to...

Melancholia

The Takashi Miike remakes The Seven Samurai and it is indescribably badass Award AND The I seriously need to watch this movie again with Ian Lindsay because it might be the most awesome movie of the year Award goes to…

13 Assassins

Oscar Trolling

A Recent History of an Academy in Accuracy and Error

2011 - The Artist
should have been: well, I'd probably go with A Separation. Maybe a cop-out since it won best foreign film, but Life is Beautiful was nominated for best picture. . . .
also better than The Artist: better not to go down that rabbit hole again.

2010 - The King's Speech
should have been: Inception.
also better than the King's Speech: The Fighter, 127 Hours, Animal Kingdom, Blue Valentine

2009 - The Hurt Locker
should have been: The Hurt Locker. Some might say Inglourious Basterds, but not me, I'm with the Academy on this one.

2008 - Slumdog Millionaire
should have been: The Dark Knight [lots of Nolan love from me so far, maybe it's snub bias] also better than Slumdog: oof. . . too many, Frost/Nixon, Milk, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Wall-E . . .

2007 - No Country for Old Men
should have been: No Country for Old Men. I also would have accepted There Will Be Blood.

2006 - The Departed
should have been: Children of Men. I do love me some Marky Mark, but Children of Men is up there as the best film of the decade for me. (It wasn't nominated.)
also better than The Departed: not much, any year.

2005 - Crash
should have been: tough choice between Brokeback, Sin City, and A History of Violence for me. I'd probably go with A History of Violence as my personal favorite of the year, but certainly wouldn't begrudge the award going to Brokeback Mountain.
also better than Crash: The gum on the bottom of the seat at the theater. Oh my god, in a great year for film this has to be one of the worst Best Picture selections ever. The list of movies better than Crash released in '05 is nearly as long as the list of movies released in '05. A refresher on some of the better ones: Sin City, Brokeback Mountain, Layer Cake, The 40 Year Old Virgin, Kung Fu Hustle, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, Oldboy, Murderball, Grizzly Man, Goodnight and Good Luck, Batman Begins, Syriana, The Constant Gardener, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Junebug, Howl's Moving Castle, Millions, Capote, Walk the Line, Match Point, Hustle & Flow. . . .

This brings us to Logan's worst year nomination: 2004 - Million Dollar Baby
should have been: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
also better: again too many. I'd go with The Motorcycle Diaries, Hotel Rwanda, Kinsey, House of Flying Daggers, Maria Full of Grace, Sideways, Kill Bill vol. 2, Spider-Man 2, Before Sunset.

2003 - Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
should have been: City of God. I don't blame the Academy for finally recognizing a Lord of the Rings film in '03 but damn, City of God.
also better: 21 Grams, Lost in Translation.

2002 - Chicago should have been: Why didn't you give the Oscar to Lord of the Rings this year instead of this Chicago bullshit? Are you kidding? Chicago? I mean Punch Drunk Love would have been my choice, but at least go with Lord of the Rings over Chicago.
also better: my dung. Incidentally, Y tu mama tambien, Talk to Her, Hero, Adaptation.

2001 - A Beautiful Mind
should have been: Memento. also better: Mulholland Drive, Lord of the Rings 1, Amelie, The Devil's Backbone, The Royal Tennanbaums, Oceans Eleven, Spy Kids, Black Hawk Down. . . more.

2000 - Gladiator
should have been: Amores Perros.
also better: nothing really, I don't really mind Gladiator winning, but Amores Perros is another of my favorite films of the decade, so I'd go with that.

I'll stop there.

A Symphony Pathetique

The morning after the Oscars, Brad texted me: "worst oscars ever?"

I'll confess to getting a little self-righteous. Complaining about the Oscar not going to the actual Best Picture of the year is like getting mad over Boise State never getting invited to the BCS Championship Bowl. These are recalcitrant hegemonies designed only to perpetuate themselves as institutions. There is no need to get angry at the scorpion for stinging you.

But after we texted back and forth, I realized that my own ambivalence this year was not because of some new found transcendence of such petty award races. On the contrary, I have been nettled by the Oscars and the BCS numerous times. I guarantee I will be irked again in the not too distant future. After I reflected more on my own reaction, I concluded that my indifference can be attributed to the fact that I didn't have a horse in the race this year. And by horse, I mean movie that I loathed.

In my mind, there are three broad classifications for Best Picture winners [feel free to subdivide or complicate this taxonomy in the comments section]. The first category consists of movies that not only deserved to win among their nominees but also could arguably be considered one of, if not the best, movies of the year. When The Departed's name was read aloud in 2007, it felt like some infinite karmic imbalance was finally starting to be repaid.

The second category is made up of the crowd pleasers: insubstantial movies that are unanimously liked but not necessarily loved. Decontextualized from the Oscar race, movies like Slumdog Millionaire wouldn't garner much animosity but they buckle under the expectations of the Best Picture moniker -- particularly when they eclipse more momentous films. Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction is the prime example. I don't begrudge the crowd pleasers for winning the Best Picture Oscar. In a decade or two, it is unlikely that The Artist will be considered as part of the pantheon of the best movies of the 10s (same with Chicago in 00s or Forrest Gump in the 90s) but I bear them no ill-will in their unabashed desire to entertain.

The final category is for films that play to your pathos: meaning they want you to feel and, more specifically, they want you to feel bad. These are those lachrymose movies that usually have some element of classic Oscar-bait: characters with physical or mental disabilities, the Holocaust, Hillary Swank. When they are done well, they don't get nominated. When they are done poorly, you get Crash and Million Dollar Baby. To exhume A.O. Scott's review of Babel from our earlier debate about the former contender: these sorts of movies are manipulative because they don't earn our emotions, they exploit them. For me, these are the true villains of the Oscar race. Looking at the list of nominees this year, only Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close qualifies and it was so universally disliked I couldn't even muster the requisite bile to get upset over it.

So although it is certainly an unpopular opinion, I will always defend Shakespeare in Love against Saving Private Ryan: a classic case of the pleasant triumphing over the pathetic. Thus, the Best Picture field this year may have been filled uninspiring crowd pleasers but I would hardly consider it the worst Oscars ever.

Instead, I'll nominate 2004: Million Dollar Baby, The Aviator, Finding Neverland, Ray, Sideways. Even looking down ticket, the only bright spot I could find was Charlie Kaufman and Michel Gondry winning Best Original Screenplay for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.