HELLO my name is

"And your name is Robin?"

"Actually, my name is Logan."

"Then why are you wearing a name tag that says Robin?"

FLASHBACK

In my living room eating Gorilla Munch cereal and watching Community on Hulu while wearing nothing but a Utah sweatshirt and pajamas with an obscene rip down the middle. A knock at the door. I turn around in time to make eye contact with an officer of the law standing on my porch. Without a clandestine angle to the bedroom to put on something less provocative, I grab the only article of clothing on the way to the front door: an apron that was part of my Oscar Party costume.

FLASHFORWARD

"Because what I am wearing underneath is not decent enough for public."

"Listen. Just tell your landlord to contact us." The Multnomah County Vector and Code Enforcement agent spat as he walked away in disgust.