Time of the Assassins

Assassin's Creed 2
Quite early in Assassin's Creed 2, you are given the liberty to scale the Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore. Scale doesn't quite convey the magnificence of precariously perching atop one of the dome's crosses with a breathtaking panoramic view of Renaissance Florence. This little moment is astonishing and if Assassin's Creed 2 was nothing more than a climb tall buildings in Italy simulator, I would have happily paid $10, slapped the game with an A and eagerly awaited expansion packs that covered the rest of early modern Europe.

Unfortunately, Assassin's Creed 2 is not this game. It is a mainstream video game meaning you have to accomplish tasks and as it is a sandbox video game, none of those tasks is particularly fun or interesting.

Furthermore, the game is plagued by so many irritants, it is hard to imagine anyone bothered to beta test it for playability.

Let me enumerate my grievances:

1) Climbing is exhilarating -- until the game starts to enforce arbitrary time restrictions. Suddenly, the main villain of the game is exposed: the controls. Ezio's favorite move seems to be running up a wall and then jumping backwards 180°, usually plummeting to his death. Actually, you are lucky if Ezio's suicide attempts are successful because at least then you are able to start back from a checkpoint. Often, if you are just horrifically bruised by falling several stories, you are forced to start the tedious climbing sequence from the start. Nothing like fifth generation platform jumping to get your blood boiling. Even more galling: when you have the gorgeous backdrop of some of the world's most beautiful cities, why would you waste players' time by forcing them through nondescript dungeon environments?

2) The A.I. is atrocious. Most combat sequences can be overcome by tapping the same attack button repeatedly or if the enemy numbers are too great by simply jumping in water or climbing a tall building as the A.I. was not programmed to accomplish either of these simple feats. Sneak attack, run away, repeat. End of game.

Even in terms of ambience, the A.I. fails miserable. All of the cities in the game are populated by citizens that merely ambulate in non-sensical directions like digital cockroaches. This becomes painfully apparent on stealth missions in which you are forced to tail someone around town without being noticed. Since the game rarely has your prey look around for suspicious behavior, it merely sends wave after wave of clumsy citizenry with highly fragile merchandise in hopes that you accidentally bump into them causing a commission to scare away your target. Now, had this been seamlessly woven into the environment -- let's say through the hustle and bustle of the fishing docks -- it would be forgivable. Instead, as you pass through once deserted alleyways, four or five crate carrying denizens capricious run oblong routes right across your shadowing path. The game doesn't even bother to give them a sensible task or purpose; they are simply arbitrary obstacles to increase the requisite difficulty. Which brings me to my final point.

3) The Assassin's Creed franchise features the worst frame story conceivable. I can only imagine two rationales for such a contemptible plot:

One, the producers were unconvinced that teenage boys would have the ability to imagine themselves as a Renaissance Italian noble, so the game casts them as a Jersey Shore reject who is merely simulating the memories of a Renaissance Italian noble. It would almost be profoundly Platonic if it wasn't so shamelessly stupid.

Two, the producers wanted to create a sandbox game without any of the freedoms of an actual sandbox game. Thus, the framing device is merely there to justify vestigial game restrictions.

Gamer Q: Why can't I explore this portion of the city yet?
Developer A: Because we were too lazy to develop an internally logical explanation within the Italian portion of the game.

And finally because I never want you to waste your time playing this game, I am going to spoil the ending which even makes Dan Brown look like Umberto Eco: it was Earth all along. What a cazzeggiare.

Overall Grade: C+
Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore Climbing Simulator Grade: A