Latin is the root of all romantic evil, or: 7 reasons to hate football

Football is boring and stupid. I hate it more than any other sport, and more than a lot of other things. For example, I hate football more than I hate herpes. Granted, I don’t have herpes, but I still hate it. And I hate football more. Why?

1. For starters, football is a BCS supporter. For the uninformed, the BCS is a monopoly by a group of Universities to ensure they get to go to the biggest money bowl games every year.
2. Culturally football has finally matched ancient Rome in its level of violent, homoerotic spectacle. Thanks to our high school English teacher, we all know that homosexuality and violence was responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire. Ergo, the fall of the U.S. Empire is next. Thank you football.
3. Football is under investigation after allegedly failing to report money invested to organize phone banks, send out direct mailers, provide transportation to California, mobilize a speakers bureau, send out satellite simulcasts and develop Web sites as well as numerous commercials and video broadcasts for California’s “Yes on Proposition 8” campaign.
4. Football has surpassed the United States to become the number one polluter in the world, putting off roughly 7 billion tons of carbon dioxide annually.
5. You may also have heard that football, an entity that was allegedly “too big to fail,” is the latest recipient of a Government bailout. To the tune of $20 billion plus in exchange for some equity.
6. Football is a sexist, traditionalist upholder of hetero-normative gender roles.
7. Football created HIV/AIDS in a lab for the Russians during the Cold War. It then “tested” it on the population of Africa. It also introduced crack to the inner-city.
   

But football’s biggest crime against humanity is that it’s boring. Outside of the last two minutes of any given quarter, the game moves at a snail’s pace. A boring, repetitive snails pace. During the last two minutes the action speeds up, but there are five million timeouts and commercial breaks.