Sex, Life

Note: With a little help from my friends I realized that the first version of this post was kind of worthless. (Thanks Em.) Hopefully I've done a better job expressing something this time. Please forgive this double post of sorts.

Sexual satisfaction is among the most basic and most elusive human pursuits. Many, probably most of us end up trying to achieve it with a single committed partner, the same person with whom we choose to share our lives and resources. Finding it, even knowing how to find it, seems to be something that is often (forgive my generalization) easier for men than it is for women. (Although it sure as hell isn't easy for this man (I use the term loosely) to write about. . . .)

I think much of the problem for women has to do with cultural and societal constructs that may not only impede sexual enjoyment, but prevent open communication both within and outside their sexual relationships. Of course, a woman's own perceived deviation from cultural and societal ideals might be part of the problem too. People want to be normal, especially when it comes to sex, and women face the additional pressure of having all kinds of conflicting norms to live up to. Whatever the causes of the hurdles women face, Lori Brotto is intent on helping surmount them.

Brotto is, according to Daniel Bergner's recent NYTimes Magazine article, "one of the world’s leading specialists in what is known as hypoactive sexual desire disorder in women." The article is quite good, and does a much better job describing Brotto's work than I will be able to, but in the interest of having a point I'll give it a shot.

Basically, a woman is diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder when she feels distressed by her absence of sexual desire. Brotto treats women who want to want. (Which happens to be the title of Bergner's piece.) Sex and sexual satisfaction are obviously very personal things, and the amount of desire that one woman feels satisfied with might leave another woman wanting. (Or . . . not.)

The women who seek Brotto's help don't appear to have a physical problem, that is, their bodies respond the same way to stimulus that others' do. Brotto describes a sort of disconnect between mind and body, where women are so distracted by daily stresses, body-image worries, or fears that their libidos are dead that they are "oblivious to their bodies’ excitement, their bodies’ messages." (Bergner) Part of Brotto's treatment includes exercises to increase mindfulness where patients experience a simple event but are tasked with maintaining hyper-awareness of the sensations that accompany it, such as placing a raisin in one's mouth and eating it (for example.)

As I read the article I found myself thinking that the increased self-awareness Brotto is trying to instill in women who are unhappy with their sex-drives is something I'm seeking in my own life. Now, I'm not concerned about my sex-drive specifically, but I do worry that I might not really be experiencing life to the extent that I would like. That maybe I'm numbing my own sensations, maybe I'm spreading my awareness too thin? I wonder, am I satisfied with my own lust for life?

At one point Brotto describes how she was trained to respond to a patient's concerns about sex, "Change the subject, change the subject, change the subject." Too frequently that has been my own response to feeling dissatisfied. Read a book, watch a movie. . . get distracted. Ironically too much of that response is a huge part of the problem.

I've realized many of the activities are most fulfilling to me are ones that force me to focus my body and mind. Climbing, cooking, playing sports. . . sex. Others require a focus of one or the other, or maybe both at different times. Reading, writing, biking, gardening, even watching a quality movie. Better focus, more self-awareness can only make me a better climber, a better cook, a better writer, etc. Better focus during sex, would probably have both the benefit of making me a better lover, and increasing my own enjoyment.

So, how do I get there? If Brotto's treatment can work for hypoactive sexual desire disorder, can I make it work for the times when I feel hypoactive ambition, or hypoactive desire to get off the couch disorder? I don't know, but I'll say this: I will try to examine and savor every flavor in my next bite of food. I will try to feel more exactly the wrinkles in her lips and their pressure against mine if I'm lucky enough to get another kiss. I will even try to pay more attention to how this cold, dry Utah air feels against my face next time I walk outside. We'll see if it works.